


Wingbeasts and Buzzbeasts

by Penkindisbestspecibus



Series: Domestic Matters [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Humanstuck, Multi, Polyamory, Rare Pairings, The Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-22
Updated: 2013-03-22
Packaged: 2017-12-06 04:04:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/731269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Penkindisbestspecibus/pseuds/Penkindisbestspecibus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I'm fucking serious here. If someone doesn't take no for answer, you make them take it. If you have to kick them in the shameglobes or sock them in the jaw, or whatever it takes, you make them take that fucking no and like it.” After deciding that it was time to give their daughter 'The Talk', Karkat took some... creative liberties with it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wingbeasts and Buzzbeasts

**Author's Note:**

> Curse you Ruf1ohn1tram for making me ship this.

The short, messy-haired male stood in front of the younger teen, letting out a resigned sigh. “Okay, Lavern, it's time to learn about the wingbeasts and the buzzbeasts.” The young girl just blinked up at him blankly. “Uh... you mean the birds and the bees...?” She said warily. Her father simply blinked back, before shrugging. “Yeah, sure, what the fuck ever.” The teenaged girl almost gagged.

“Oh gross Dad, I already know that! We learned it in School!” Karkat rolled his eyes, crossing his arms. “ _I know_ you learned about it in that stupid assbackwards institution that passes itself as a place of learning but we agreed it'd probably be best if we made sure you knew _everything_.” She gave him another disgusted look.

“Dad, I _know_ what you and Daddy do,” Karkat flushed at that, waving his arms almost comically frantically. “ _No!_ Not... not that!” He palmed his face heavily with a grumbling sigh, before groaning. His daughter just blinked at him. “Ugh... how do I put this...?” He seemed to murmur to himself quietly, his daughter just giving a weird look the entire time.

 

“Okay, let me start with saying no matter who you love or what you identify as we will support you every step of the way, and we will personally beat the everloving shit of anyone who even _thinks_ of disagreeing.” She just blinked at him again.

“Dad, I'm not a lesbian.” He palmed his face again. It was a miracle he didn't have some permanent imprint of his hand in his face from the sheer frequency he tended to do this singular action.

“I _didn't_ say _you were_ a lesbian, I'm just saying that _maybe_ in the future if _you come to the realisation_ that _maybe_ youare _not a heterosexual woman_ , then _we will still love you._ ” He ground out, frustration evident in his tone. “And if anyone even _**THINKS**_ of giving you shit for it, _we will end them_. Okay? Got that?” She rolled her eyes but nonetheless murmured her assent. “Okay!”

He sighed again, looking at the ground whilst he tried to think of the best way to continue. “In saying that, if you bring people home before your at _least_ sixteen, _we will end them_.” Her hung open in shock, expression aghast. “What? _Dad!_ That is so unfair!”

“Neither is life. _Deal with it._ ” He took a sort of smug satisfaction from listening to her protest. “If it was up to me, you'd never see another person romantically in your entire existence, so be glad your mother argued me down.” He said primly, crossing his arms again. She narrowed her eyes at him, silently swearing to fight this injustice with every fibre of her being. Karkat expected no less.  
“And what does Daddy think of this?” Karkat snorted.

“ _Daddy_ didn't say anything about this. You're still allowed to go on dates _BUT_ you will be home before ten pm or so _help me young lady!_ ” He bared down on her now, despite his short stature, the passionate fire in his eyes giving off an impression of a man unstoppable.

 

“But Daaaaad!” She whined, attempting a different tactic. Karkat was not to be moved however.

“ _No_. No if's, and _no_ but's of _any kind_ so don't even _think about it._ ” She opened her mouth to complain further but her father silenced her with a stare. “Now... Your mother has... _insisted_ that after you're sixteen all bets are off... _so to speak_.” He ground his teeth at this, clearly not too happy with it but grudgingly accepted. “Wait, so, when I'm sixteen,”

“ _Yes_. Yes you can stay over boy's, girl's, whatever's houses, you can go on date's that go past ten, you can bring people home, you can attend wild drunken parties that will probably end in some sort of hedonistic teen orgy,” She pulled a face.

“Gross, Dad.” He rolled his eyes.

“You can do _whatever_. As long as it's legal, and, we'd _prefer_ you didn't drink until you were eighteen, we don't really think you're going to obey that. We're not morons and neither are you, so let's not dance around the fucking elephant. _Don't_ get in over your head. If someone, anyone, doesn't take no for answer, you will let us know, and,”

“You'll end them?” She finished quizzically. Karkat bared his teeth.

“No. We will gut them, and then we will throw them off a bridge, using their intestines as a fucking bungee rope. After we're done playing with the assfuck yoyo, _then_ we will end them.” His daughter only nodded slowly. “... O... kay...”

“I'm fucking serious here. If someone doesn't take no for answer, you _make them take it_. If you have to kick them in the shameglobes or sock them in the jaw, or whatever it takes, _you make them take that fucking no and like it_.”

Seeing that she had nothing to add to that, he huffed slightly and crossed his arms again. “... Condoms.” He said bluntly, causing her to splutter. “If... if you ever _need_ them for any reason, at any time, _regardless_ of how old you are, just... ask Daddy. Or Mom. I don't want to even think about that.” She nodded quietly, both of them blatantly ignoring the situation for a few moments.

“That's about it, I think.” He muttered, stretching lightly. “Now, I'm going to go pretend this never happened.” He shuffled off, presumably to do something else in an effort to scrub his mind of this event. His daughter just sat there quietly, unsure of what to make of that.

 

* * *

 

Tavros slipped under the covers, slinging an arm across Karkat's shoulder as the shorter male intently read the small novel in his hand, Terezi drawing small circles on his shoulder idly. “So uh, how did, the Talk, go?” He said quietly, pressing his lips to his partner's temple. The Turkish male only grunted in response, turning the page softly. “It went well.” He muttered, feeling Tavros relax into the bed next to him. “That's good.” The taller male said, his hand meeting Terezi's, and interlacing their fingers. “If your metric of 'well' is bulgeshittingly awkward.” He deadpanned, turning the page again. Tavros blinked, before restraining a light chuckle at his lover's expense. “Well, uh, did you at least, cover the uh, main points?”

“We'll always love her, if anyone tries anything funny we will do unspeakable things to them, no bringing people home until she's sixteen, no other funny business of any sort until she's sixteen, curfew at ten until she's sixteen...” He prattled off, still reading his trashy romance novel. Terezi frowned at him, jabbing him in the ribs with a finger. “I thought we agreed that it was no bringing people home until she was fourteen and a curfew at eleven 'til she was fifteen Karkles.” She accused.

“Did we? Must've slipped my fucking mind.”

“ _Karkles_.” Tavros rolled his eyes, leaning over to peck Terezi on the forehead and murmur a goodnight to both of them as they began to bicker quietly about the respective boundaries they were placing on their daughter.

He hoped things would go smoother with their younger child, the son.


End file.
